“Coming Out”

 

In the past, few people were lucky enough to declare their sexual orientation in a relaxed way. Today it is considerably easier – though still not without hazards and problems.

‘Coming Out’ is an American expression which means, in this case, that someone has identified themselves as being gay or bisexual. Some might think what is the big deal. But if you have lived or are living a lie, you know what it means to lead a double life. Hiding your sexual preferences can cause great stress. Some can deny their sexuality for a long time.

‘Coming Out’ does not mean telling everybody you meet that you are gay or bisexual.  ‘Coming out’ is a process that allows a person to get in touch with his sexuality and to express themselves as their true selves.

    

          Many people have realised that living their lives in ‘the closet’ – pretending to be heterosexual – robs them of a full and rewarding life and forces them to live in fear and shame. When people have discussed how they came out, many of them use the imagery of a great burden being lifted from them. This may not happen initially, however, as ‘coming out’ can be a stressful and difficult process. This may be the case if family and friends react negatively. Gay people say that over time they are happier being able to be themselves, having ‘come out of the closet’.

“After I came out, life was less stressful…I was happy to be me”

 

“I didn’t have to live a double life – which was so hard to do!”

 

“Life just started when I came out and stopped pretending”

 

The Development of sexual orientation

 

            People with predominately same sex orientation show similar stages of identity development – with individual variations of course. The following model or framework may provide a useful way of understanding this development. Not every individual follows each stage. It is also common for some people to work on the developmental task related to several different stages simultaneously.

 

Stage 1 – Pre-coming out

 

            Many people may be uncertain about their sexual identity. Time may be needed to explore this. It is possible that at a conscious or pre-conscious level the child and family members know that even then the child’s sexual orientation ‘differs’. Often the person in question feels alienated and ‘different’. Fear of rejection and ridicule creates a barrier to the open acknowledgment of homosexual feelings. As a consequence, the person resolves the conflict through the use of certain defence mechanisms such as denial, repression or sublimation (channelling of conflictual feelings into socially acceptable behaviour).

          The attempts to deny or repress feelings may lead to behavioural problems, psychosomatic illness (physical illness due to mental or emotional stress and strain), depression, low self-esteem and even suicide. Others may sublimate their feelings and become intensely absorbed in some socially valued activity such as school work, religion, music or art – where being alone is not regarded as strange.

          Facing the personal crisis of being ‘different’ is a healthy approach to adopt. This is the process of ‘coming out’. It can begin at any age depending on a number of factors including family, personality and friends

Stage 2 – Coming out

           

The first step in ‘coming out’ is ‘outing’ yourself to yourself – acknowledging what you feel and who you are. This first step, in identifying yourself as gay or bisexual, can take many years to complete

          One technique to help in this process is to look at yourself in the mirror, see yourself for who you are, accept yourself and say “I AM GAY” or “ I AM BISEXUAL”. Say it slowly over and over again. Another exercise is to find a quiet place to go for a walk. Bring a piece of paper and a pen. Write at the top of the sheet of paper “I am gay” or “I am a bisexual”. In another column write all the negative words and phrases used against homosexuals. Read and face the words used against gays and bisexuals. By doing this you can help yourself to become desensitised to these reactions to gay and bisexual people.

          It is important that you choose carefully the people to whom you disclose your sexual orientation to. Confiding in the most caring and accepting people is very important. Trustworthiness is also vital because those people will have to keep the news private. It is important that you keep control over the ‘coming out’ process. Once you gain acceptance from a number of people, it is much easier to withstand rejection. There is always the possibility that people will react negatively. It is important, to master ways to handle such situations and to cope with any related stress. It is a completely normal reaction for friends to be surprised and for them to need time to digest the news. And remember that if someone has a problem with your sexual orientation it is their problem not yours.

We would suggest telling two close friends at the same time. After you have told them, they will need to talk about it to someone else. With telling two people, they can support each other and you at the same time.

          There are many reasons why parents may not be the first family member you tell. Parents may not necessarily be directly involved in your life any longer. You may be closer to your siblings and may wish to ‘come out’ to them first. Many parents have expectations of their children, whether straight or gay, that children can rarely meet. It is possible that parents may accept that their child is gay/bisexual immediately; however this is often not the case. It has taken you sometime to come to terms with your sexuality, your parents and friends too need a time for adjustment – dealing with your ‘coming out’. So, be patient with them.

            Searching for gay/bisexual friends and companions no longer centres around going to gay bars. The gay community today has newspapers, bulletin boards ands community centres. Gay bars are like ‘straight’ bars – a place for people to meet and have a drink. The newest and fastest growing way that homosexual people are meeting is on-line (internet).

          When you finally meet other gay people, ‘coming out’ to them will not be a major task. However, developing a family of gay friends is not something that is accomplished over a short period. It takes time to develop friendships and bonds with people.

Stage 3 – Exploration / Experimentation

            This is a period of exploring and experimenting with a new sexual identity. There are several developmental tasks involved.

The first is the development of interpersonal skills in order to socialise with others with a similar sexual orientation. Having being socialised as heterosexuals, homosexual individuals may lack these skills.

Secondly, there is a need for some to develop a sense of personal attractiveness and sexual competence.

Finally, for some there is a need to recognise that self-esteem is not based upon sexual conquest but rather a feeling of self worth – happy with oneself.

 

Stage 4 – Initial Relationships

           

The main task of this stage is to learn how to function in a homosexual relationship. The yearning for a more stable, committed relationship can be sabotaged by lingering negative attitudes about homosexuality. The fact that homosexual people have very few role models in terms of intimate relationships, and the lack of public support for such relationships, makes this task even more difficult than in the case of heterosexuals.

 

Stage 5 – Integration

            This is an ongoing process of development where new feelings about yourself continue to emerge – reintegration and self definition takes place. Public and private identities are incorporated into a coherent self image. Relationships at this point can be more successful than first relationships.